Want someone to listen to you? Listen to them first!

Listening in conflict

We all know how frustrating it is when we have something important to say and the other person just isn’t listening to us.  When we are in conflict, this becomes a pattern that makes it more and more difficult for two people to communicate effectively.  Both people get frustrated because the other person isn’t listening! When this happens, our natural tendency is to talk louder, more forcefully and more emotionally, in the desperate hope that suddenly the other person will hear what we are saying to them. The only problem is, while you are talking, the other person is busy planning their response, identifying all the holes in your argument and composing a blistering reply.  In other words, they are still not listening!

It’s counter-intuitive, but the best way to get someone to listen to what you have to say is to listen to them first.  This doesn’t mean just standing there letting them rant and rave until they take a breath, and then jumping in with your response.  This means REALLY listening to them:  consciously making an effort to pay attention to what they are saying and how they are feeling without interrupting or responding.  Then, most importantly, you need to show them that not only have you heard what they said, you understand what they are saying.

The best way to show someone that you understand them is to summarise back to them what they have said. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them!  You simply want to acknowledge what they have told you.  A good way to start is to say something like “So, let me get this straight, what you are saying is that you feel … because I …”.  Don’t get into an argument in the middle of this – it’s really important at this stage that you simply show them that you understand what they are saying without contributing your own comments or responses.

Ideally, if you have summarised what they are saying more or less correctly, they are going to have to agree with you.  What you are looking for is a response like “YES!  Exactly!”  This is your opportunity to invite them to show you the same courtesy that you just showed them.  Start off with a statement that explains that you would simply like to share with them your perspective of the situation.  For example, “I experienced this a little differently.  For me, …”.  If they start interrupting you, remind them that you listened to what they had to say without interrupting or arguing with them.

If you have first given the other person a chance to have their say, they are much more likely to listen to you more attentively now.  They don’t need to plan their argument in response – they’ve already told you their side of the story and you showed them you heard and understood what they said.

Counter-intuitive, but it works!  Listen first and you are much more likely to be listened to!

Coaching gets the best out of your employees!

Research has shown that when managers coach their employees, they get the best out of them.  What is it that coaching offers that other management strategies do not?

  1. Coaching demonstrates that managers listen to and value their employees’ perspectives, which builds trust and loyalty.
  2. Coaching demonstrates that managers have confidence in their employees’ ability to work through challenges themselves.
  3. Coaching builds employees’ capacity to make their own decisions and when they do so they have greater ownership and commitment to their actions.
  4. Coaching helps employees develop and grow their skills and confidence.

Not only does coaching result in skilled, confident and loyal employees, this has a flow on positive impact on customers and the business as a whole.

While effective coaching may take some initial investment (in training managers to coach) and some ongoing investment (in the time taken to coach employees), the benefits of this investment are worthwhile and lasting.

The Story Cookbook

I’m excited to announce the release of The Story Cookbook, which includes quite a few of my ‘recipes’!

Stories and storytelling represent powerful creative processes for communication and change across personal, organisational and community contexts. With over 80 activities collected from contributors around the world, The Story Cookbook is one of the most comprehensive collections of story-based activities currently available. The book, organised by menu courses, provides the reader with a treasure trove of activities ranging from elegant relationship-building story techniques to more complex story processes such as quantum storytelling, genre bending and provenance. Designed in an easy-to-follow format, the smorgasbord of storytelling ideas that fill this book provide rich pickings to apply and adapt for all sorts of situations. This enticing resource is a must-read for consultants, facilitators, educators, change makers and leaders interested in working with story and narrative techniques for positive change in individuals, organisations and communities.


Online training coming soon!

We are excited to announce that in 2019 our suite of online training courses will officially launch! We have training for everyone – individuals wanting to live a more peaceful life at home or at work, managers who have to deal with employees in conflict, and professionals who want to add conflict management coaching to their toolkit.

Keep an eye out for the official launch announcement later this year!